invisible ink

always fighting the invisible enemy. 

carry on without me, comrades. I'm going at it alone. laying claim to what's rightfully mine: my sanity. my mind. my creativity. my energy: once reserved for other's needs, i was beginning to think i was lost, a bad friend, a selfish lover and all the rest. hope was nothing. all was lost. but the only thing that was really lost where the people i was surrounding myself with.

all the drugs

all the insignificant connections with vacant stares and hardened hearts.

i've let myself down thinking there was salvation in those crowds.

a crowd. people standing around, banding together, following each other's lead into an abyss of recycled ideas and clothes. people needing people. people deceiving themselves into thinking they've got a handle on it until IT starts to take the leash and lead you with it. a certain death waits for us all when we decide to give up. a life lived as if you were unconscious, once in a while, waking up and falling back in again.

I've only myself to blame. 

wake up kid, set the world on fire.

pause.

dive deep
holding my breath -savoring the last words- rolling them around in my mouth
 the secrets spilled out
one by one
 we are fortunate, desperate, seperate, but together forever alone in eachother's presence
 you were my favorite lesson
 hardest way to learn
toughest subject yet

 I'm sleeping inside your memory and It's a rough place to be
 but it's soft enough to keep me
 there's another place I have yet to explore
 another slightly open door
 In my mind we will travel together until the next life.

it must be the weather.

hello out there. can you hear me?

im calling to you from my psychic waves ramped up on coffee and no sleep for 2 days.

can you hear me?

hello!

you see the world out there? all wild and spinning and holding all these people in place. but the people...the people are so disgusting and beautiful. they run their mouths, they build things, they destroy things, they don't know how to love but want to BE loved. they cry and they fight and they pull you close and they want to care, but they are afraid. its a world of terrified people. i am one of them. you are too. we've got our things, we've done some things-things we try to bury deep down. things we try to push down with every drink, every empty conversation.

no.

its not that bad.

this....thing...it is what it is. where's the truth in all of it? maybe you're right and i'm wrong. maybe i'm right and you're..what does it matter? we could both be right. either way we're gonna end up in the same place...all this life, the pain of living, the beauty of living...the people we meet, the people we'd like to forget, the people we'll never get to meet..what does it matter? i'm here. you're here and its the present moment. what am i trying to say?

hello, how are you? can you hear me?

i hope you get this message.

hiatus.

something in here is blocked
something inside is blocked.
i havent been alive in a while
i've been stuck inside of here
something in here is blocked

im trying
trying
trying

this is quite difficult

when you take away something
you've been doing for so long


this is hell

and so it goes a river that flows a clever caption on an old photograph from 1985

i thought i found it once

it floated above me in this dark room
i was in a place i could not recall
but it was there-it floated above me
it looked straight at me
coaxed me into its shadows
i sat and stared-i was in a trance
i begged for it to take me
yet i fought against it

it burned its essence into every corner of the room

something inside is blocked

i want to burst into flames
cast him out of me
shut it down-start all over again
demand some answers
kick down the walls
hit until my fists bleed

im trying
trying
trying

pull the chord already


this is just a test.

schism. 1

don't waste away. leave this place. quickly.

the weak are like vampires. i use my compass often.

i
try to say
what
i
feel.

always. i have been cursed from the start. torn apart. lifted, then thrown back into the pit.

it's black magic!

it's the universe laughing at me!

it's something i cannot confess or conceal!

i'm sliding down into myself. making sense of my shadows. dwelling in there, simmering, bubbling over.

something reached for me. i pulled away. i will not be caught...yet!

i will not be caught, i will not be caught.

i say this over and over; it is my mantra.

maybe someday, i will believe it.

I am youthful in appearance
worn down in the soul
heart jaded or more like,
pre-occupied with the minor things

I sometimes spin a confusing web
of stories that may or may not be true

I've left situations in chaos
stirred up the pot by my own will
I've decided I'm a fucker
rather than
being fucked.

I've decided I'm many things
and easy isn't one of them.

You can travel down this road
with a plan and with a map
but you will get side tracked

I will make sure of this.

I am youthful in appearance
with a sweet devil smile
one hand behind my back
and tricks on my mind

but I assure you
it's a fun ride.

spilled wine.

I was staring at the pictures of you and her;you looked so much in love. Her pregnant belly stuck far out and she looks content. You had your arms around her and you smiled that fierce smile I know very well. You both look happy, fulfilled, and perfectly matched.

I remember when your motorcycle would pull up to my apt, and you took me out riding. we had no idea where to go. We had lunch at a coffee shop where we talked about creativity, sex, and the world turning shitty when you've "given up and given in" then you'd kiss me with eyes closed pulling me very very close then you'd get back on your bike and ride back home to her.

I'm happy that you're happy.
It had to happen to one of us.
eventually.

unexplained and unreclaimed.

I'm creating these spaces just for you. Making room for no one else but you.
when you decide
to swallow your pride

see these shifting movements will collide in time

im running circles around you
but just in my head

i'm wishing things were more simple
i wish i was more aware of the obvious things
the big picture
the generalities and such

but it must start somewhere

one cannot start from the top
one must work they're way into that envisioned splendid glory
from the bottom

write me a letter sometime
shift the car back into neutral
find the territory where you'll be "safe"
catapult those nightmares straight into space
downgrade your attitude
give me some room-dont assume
learn to assimilate with those you call your "closest mates"
call out
or
shout out

i'll be waitin in the woods.