invisible ink

always fighting the invisible enemy. 

carry on without me, comrades. I'm going at it alone. laying claim to what's rightfully mine: my sanity. my mind. my creativity. my energy: once reserved for other's needs, i was beginning to think i was lost, a bad friend, a selfish lover and all the rest. hope was nothing. all was lost. but the only thing that was really lost where the people i was surrounding myself with.

all the drugs

all the insignificant connections with vacant stares and hardened hearts.

i've let myself down thinking there was salvation in those crowds.

a crowd. people standing around, banding together, following each other's lead into an abyss of recycled ideas and clothes. people needing people. people deceiving themselves into thinking they've got a handle on it until IT starts to take the leash and lead you with it. a certain death waits for us all when we decide to give up. a life lived as if you were unconscious, once in a while, waking up and falling back in again.

I've only myself to blame. 

wake up kid, set the world on fire.

pause.

dive deep
holding my breath -savoring the last words- rolling them around in my mouth
 the secrets spilled out
one by one
 we are fortunate, desperate, seperate, but together forever alone in eachother's presence
 you were my favorite lesson
 hardest way to learn
toughest subject yet

 I'm sleeping inside your memory and It's a rough place to be
 but it's soft enough to keep me
 there's another place I have yet to explore
 another slightly open door
 In my mind we will travel together until the next life.

it must be the weather.

hello out there. can you hear me?

im calling to you from my psychic waves ramped up on coffee and no sleep for 2 days.

can you hear me?

hello!

you see the world out there? all wild and spinning and holding all these people in place. but the people...the people are so disgusting and beautiful. they run their mouths, they build things, they destroy things, they don't know how to love but want to BE loved. they cry and they fight and they pull you close and they want to care, but they are afraid. its a world of terrified people. i am one of them. you are too. we've got our things, we've done some things-things we try to bury deep down. things we try to push down with every drink, every empty conversation.

no.

its not that bad.

this....thing...it is what it is. where's the truth in all of it? maybe you're right and i'm wrong. maybe i'm right and you're..what does it matter? we could both be right. either way we're gonna end up in the same place...all this life, the pain of living, the beauty of living...the people we meet, the people we'd like to forget, the people we'll never get to meet..what does it matter? i'm here. you're here and its the present moment. what am i trying to say?

hello, how are you? can you hear me?

i hope you get this message.

hiatus.

something in here is blocked
something inside is blocked.
i havent been alive in a while
i've been stuck inside of here
something in here is blocked

im trying
trying
trying

this is quite difficult

when you take away something
you've been doing for so long


this is hell

and so it goes a river that flows a clever caption on an old photograph from 1985

i thought i found it once

it floated above me in this dark room
i was in a place i could not recall
but it was there-it floated above me
it looked straight at me
coaxed me into its shadows
i sat and stared-i was in a trance
i begged for it to take me
yet i fought against it

it burned its essence into every corner of the room

something inside is blocked

i want to burst into flames
cast him out of me
shut it down-start all over again
demand some answers
kick down the walls
hit until my fists bleed

im trying
trying
trying

pull the chord already


this is just a test.